Afterbattles
by nanashi999
Summary: I know it says R but its just for language and attemted suicide. Anyway its about heero putting himself down after the war containing suicide attempts and self mutalation. R
1. You Don't Know What I've Done

Ch.1 You don't know what I've Been Through  
  
Disclaimer: You all know I don't own Gundam Wing. I really, really, really want to but I don't so there.  
  
It all started with a simple nick. Just sharp enough chunk of a sheet of plastic. It tore at my skin somewhat desiring' cutting just enough to draw little specks of blood to form. I did it again and again it's amazing it can still see scars from that. People say that scratching yourself like I had done is a sin. But I don't care, screw god I've been through hell a thousand times over and I'm ready to die. But I carry out each day over and over again. The same monotonous tasks that bore me to death. Sometimes I completely depress my self I feel the need to cut but I don't. I try to hold back but it gets harder every day. The blade taunts me drawing nearer and nearer to the already tainted flesh on my arm. My friends don't know my secret because they never see my arm but I have every right to do it. I have felt more pain than anyone would ever imagine so I need it to stay sane. Or I'm already insane from years of war I don't know but I really don't care. I'm going to go to bed now, today just completely sucked I want to cut but I'm not going to. Good thing its Friday, I need the rest, I haven't slept in a couple days. My eyes are closing now and I'm not going to fight it. Tomorrow I'll be with my friends and that's one of the only things that keep me sane. Everything is fading now and knowing I can leave this fucked up world when I sleep makes me somewhat calm.  
**** Next Day****  
  
Now I feel somewhat good with sleep. But the blade is sitting there tantalizing me into cutting myself again. I pick it up and move the glistening stainless steal blade closer and closer to my left wrist. I'm giving in. No! I can't! But when I look at it it's like a savior to bring me into the next world that is better than this. No! The blade is almost at my wrist now but I chuck it at the wall just before I cant cut. It vibrates for a moment than it sticks in the wall taunting me further. But I quickly dress in blue jeans a white t-shirt and my black leather jacket and leave afraid to come back for I might take my own life.  
I meet my friends out on the curb to just hang out. There the closest thing I've had for a while now. Sarah, Brittni and Jen are already there. "Hey Heero" Brittni waves.  
  
"Hey" I say quietly back in the same monotone voice I've used for a while now. Trowa walks from around the corner into view and Jen greets him the same way Brittni did me. He nods in reply. That's all. I wonder if he cuts too. Naw he doesn't he wouldn't he's too strong for that. There's Goth coming from the opposite corner. He doesn't like his real name so he uses Goth. Brittni, and Jen also have different nicknames, Pyro and Rain. Sarah Greets, "Hey" she says looking straight at him. He gives a smile back. So were all here, standing on the curb doing nothing. Surprising were all in something black. "Lets burn sumthin" suggests Pyro.  
  
Goth laughs. "You always say that Pyro". I wish I could laugh like that. "Here I got an idea. How bout we go to that new club tonight? The bartenders blow fire out of there mouths" I say almost at once. Everyone nods once in agreement.  
  
"So what u wanna do till then?" Rain asks.  
  
"How bout Heero's house". Suggests Trowa. They all nodd again. I don't really mind. They can keep me from cutting myself because I don't want then to know and I can't do it in front of them.  
  
We all start walking back to my house. No one talks but Sarah and Pyro. The rest are really quiet with an occasional mumble or sentence from Goth. I like silence somehow it calms me. There's nothing to concentrate on except your own thoughts. Were out the door now, I open it and we all enter. Goth looked at my arm, he must've noticed the scars. Oh well I doesn't matter he doesn't know anything yet.  
  
"Hey Heero. Why is there a knife in your wall? Goth's pointing at the knife I'd almost killed myself with earlier. I don't say anything. I just walk over and pull the knife out. Damn I threw that hard! I look at the glistening knife. It's drawing my left wrist closer and closer. Everyone is watching me do this. Damn it! They know! Stop it! Stop It! Stop It!  
  
"Heero what're you doing" Sarah asks worriedly. I don't know, I just don't know. The knife is coming closer and closer to my wrist. Stop It!  
  
"Heero?" Pyro asks. "Heero!" She knocks it out of my hand just before I can slice through my delicate flesh of my wrist. Trowa throws me against the wall and for the first time yells at me.  
  
"What the hell do you think your doing"!? I don't answer. Just stare off into space. "Answer me!"  
  
"I... don't know"  
  
"What the hell do you mean you don't know"! You just tried to kill yourself!" Goth yells at me. "I shoulda known you were cutting yourself by the scars on your arm."  
  
"Face it! You need help!" Rain yells at me. " No!" I yell back quickly. "I have every right to do what I was about to do! I've been through more than any of you can ever handle! Do you even know what I've been through!? I have seen, and done things more horrible than you could imagine!" They all look at me puzzled except for Trowa. "I fought in that damned war! I was a Gundam pilot! I've killed countless people! I've... I've seen that girl die over and over." I start sobbing. "I have ever fucking right in the world to do what I was just about to do!"  
  
"No you don't!" Trowa suddenly yells. "I don't either. I've done the same things you have and I'm still here! But... but..." He pulls up the sleeve of his jacket exposing the same scars I have. "God knows I have wanted to at some time or other. But I'm still here and you should be too! We owe it to the people that love us to stay here."  
  
I look at them, "Fine" I say weekly. "Just give me one more chance."  
  
"Fine" Pyro steps in. "But Goths gotta stay with you for at least a month to make sure you don't". I nod reluctantly.  
  
"Then I'm gonna go get my stuff while you guys stay here with him" Goth says then walks out of the door.  
  
A/N: Hope you liked it plz rev. 


	2. No One Can Stop Me

Ch.2 No One Can Stop Me  
  
Disclaimer: No I don't own Gundam Wing get it through your skull.  
  
I sat there oblivious that they were taking all my knives and guns caught up in my own thoughts. Damn It! I fucked up! Why the hell did I have to pull that! They all know. They're gonna hate me and completely abandon me. No one should waste there time on me, I'm completely worthless to society. All I know is how to fight. Why the hell do I think I can kid myself into thinking I belong in the world. I should have killed myself when I had the chance. Why do they waste there time trying to protect me from myself? I wish they would all leave, get away from me so I don't torture them more than I already do.  
  
"Hey Heero... Earth to Heero?" Jen says while waving her hand in front of my face. "There's some one here to see you thanks to some blabber mouth in the room" She shot a dirty look at Trowa.  
  
"Who"?  
  
"She asked that I not tell you." Jen replied. "But she's anxious to see you".  
"Shit." I know instantly who it is. "Not Relena?" No one answered I got up and walked to my front door. I open it and sure enough there's Relena. Why do all these people waste there time with me? They should just let me crawl into my own hole and die.  
  
"Hi" she says weekly. "I... heard what happened and.... I'm worried abo...."  
  
"Don't bother. No one should bother with me."  
  
"Don't say that!" She slaps me. "We all care about you very much Heero that's why we haven't left your side." No, impossible, no one should care for me. Is she telling the truth? No, she's not; I know she's lying. "May I come in?" she asks. I move aside and she walks in and proceeds to where the others are asking if she can help. I stand there for awhile just thinking. I'm about to go back to my room when the doorbell rings again. I answer it and there's a blonde haired girl standing in the doorway.  
  
"Umm... Is Trowa here?" she asks.  
  
"Um, yah come in". I reply. "So how do you know Trowa...umm"?  
  
"It's Mia," she says. "And I'm kind of Trowa's Girl Friend". Whoa! Damn! I didn't even know Trowa would have a girlfriend.  
  
"Yah he's over there" I told her pointing down the hall "And I'm Heero".  
  
"Oh so you're the guy that Trowa was telling me about. I know it's none of my business but here." Mia said handing him a business card. "It's a psychiatrist that I know". I rip the card in half letting it fall to the floor. She watches it as it falls then looks at me. "Oh well, what ever it's your life not mine so do what you want" she says then runs off to find Trowa. Why can't everyone be like that instead of trying to help me? Just let me do whatever the hell I want to. Well my whole worlds fucked up know but what the hell I'll roll with it. I get up and go walk over where they're trying to find all of knives.  
  
"There's one under the bed, under the mattress, five in the droor and there's a gun in my Preventer's jacket." They all look at me puzzled that I would tell them that but then they get the knives and gun in the places I told them. "And that's all I have, you've got all the rest in the box. But if you don't believe me go ahead and search some more. As for me I'm going to take a shower." I go up to the bathroom on the second level of my house. I get in, lock the door and proceed to the bathtub. There it is. The one knife they didn't get. Me favorite switch blade with black and read rubber grip on it. They aren't going to stop me. I'm going to leave this world if they like it or not. But...there's what Trowa said. I owe it to the people that love me to stay here. No! They don't love me, no one does. I'm leaving this world whether I go to heaven or hell I don't care. I click the switch and the blade comes out glistening in the sunlight. There's still blood on it from the last time I cut my arm. I'm sticking it closer and closer to my wrist. This is it, the big finale. My life is done. That's it, It's all going to be over. I slice through my left wrist. The pain feels good to me, but that's not enough. I slice all the way up my left arm. Then I do the same to things to my right arm. Blood is gushing to the floor. This is it. It's over.  
  
All of the sudden there's a pounding on the door. Then it's silent for a second and then a click and sure enough in bursts Trowa. It's to late anyway. They cant save me. This is it. "It's over Trowa. You can't save me no one can". Relena walks in then starts crying. Then in walk Pyro, Jen, and Goth. They look at me depressingly. "No one can stop me." I hear sirens then black out.  
  
A/N: Hope u liked it. Plz rev. will there be a next chapter? Hopefully, but you'll find out. 


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